I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
