i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
