i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
