I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
