i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
