You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
