1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
