I looked at my own cervix.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
