T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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