Soap is not a condiment
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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