it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
