So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
