The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize