woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
