I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
