they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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