You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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