2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
