He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
