Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
