I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
