You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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