My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
