i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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