Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
