you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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