can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
