Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
