Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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