put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
