so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
