im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
