She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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