Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
