This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
