I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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