It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
