You're earring is so big in my mouth
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
