she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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