My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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