I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Randomize
