Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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