She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its about making memories worth repressing
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
