I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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