Moan for me like Helen Keller
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
