im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My bed smells like the plague
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
