his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
