I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Are my feet made of real feet?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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