I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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