I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
