ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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