Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
