I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Boobs speak an international language.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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