I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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