I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
