I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
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