Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
