God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
