Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
