I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
