Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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