there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize