i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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